How To Love People That Hurt You

Something special happens when you learn how to love people that hurt you. Honestly, I don’t think it’s even possible without the help and guidance of Jesus (and some good therapy in tough situations.)

There is something really special about a human who has a deep relationship with Jesus.

• They make time for Jesus, even when life is chaotic.
• They listen to people’s hurts and offer comfort and prayer.
• They serve the people God places in their life in big and little ways.
• Their words often carry life into a tired, weary soul.
• They pour out grace to others, esp. those who don’t deserve it.

I want to be this type of Christian in a tired, hurting world. Don’t you?

HURTING PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

You may have heard the phrase, “Hurting people hurt people.”

That’s such a powerful truth. Our hurts often get in the way of becoming the special person God created us to be.

Unresolved hurts create barriers to having a deep relationship with Jesus and others.

You were created for a deep, intimate relationship with your Savior.

“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

“Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” James 4:8

“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.” Hebrews 11:6

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” John 14:6

Life is hard.

Often we stuff our hurts deep into our souls. Instead of giving our pain over to Jesus, we ignore it to the point that it either explodes or springs forth into bitterness and anger. Either way, it’s not a pretty picture.

When you stuff, you can easily forget your identity in Jesus, especially when someone hurts you.

GIVE YOUR HURTS TO THE LORD

What hurtful things are you carrying around today? Your soul can often ache from the unkind words and actions of others.  When the bad words, the mean actions, and the lies and destruction get you down, let Jesus help pick you back up.

Hurting people hurt people, but Jesus shows us how to love people that hurt us. Share on X

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11: 28

No one is perfect. People will cause you harm in this life. We will hurt others. That’s the byproduct of imperfect humans doing life with other imperfect humans.

You have a choice to make when the hurt comes.

Will you let it reach the doorway to your soul? Or do you release your pain and forgive those who cause you harm?

You can choose to lean on Jesus to help get you through the hard stuff!

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7

So watch yourselves. “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” Luke 17:3-4

GUARD YOUR HEART

My circle of family and friends includes someone who falls under the category of “hurting people hurt people.”

They make choices daily to push people away by saying and doing mean and hurtful things. They spread lies and speak half-truths. Deep down I’m pretty sure they know what they’re doing, but after decades of living a secret life, I think they choose to believe their own lies, mostly to avoid accountability.

Sometimes I find myself believing the lies they speak to cover up their secret life. I have realized over the years that I began to believe the lie that their choices are my fault. Logically, I know that it’s not true, but they’ve become so crafty at it all, that sometimes I believe proposterous lies and blame shifting and all the fault they’ve put on me to avoid accountability. That’s called gaslighting, by the way. And it’s toxic, crazy-making behavior!

You aren’t responsible for someone else’s choices.

Let me say it again. You are NOT responsible for someone else’s poor choices. Don’t let them convince you otherwise.

But you do need to own your actions/reactions, along with the consequences that follow. That part is on you. And sometimes, when you’re in an unhealthy relationship, turning the mirror back onto yourself is a bit harsh. But the reality is, when you react to someone else’s toxicity, that does not make you toxic. But, when you recognize your responses aren’t helping, you do need to work with a therapist or a friend to get to the root of what’s going on.

Someone else’s harm to you, and your reaction to that abuse, is not abusive. It’s human, flawed, and faulty, and you gotta work through it. But you are NOT responsible for the choices other people make. Don’t let the enemy convince you otherwise!

You can learn to control how you treat unkind people. It’s really HARD to exercise control in situations that often feel out of control. A safe friend, a good therapist, and deep breaths can help you navigate how to do this. If you are in that place, make sure you are reaching out to someone and not trying to tackle all that crazy alone!

HOW TO LOVE PEOPLE THAT HURT YOU

1. Pray for those that harm you. Matthew 5:44
2. Protect your heart. Proverbs 4:23
3. Let forgiveness breathe life into your hurting soul. Colossians 3:13, Ephesians 4:32, Luke 6:37
4. Create healthy boundaries. Galatians 6:5, Romans 6:23

It’s hard to love people that CHOOSE to hurt you.

But it is possible. Sometimes you have to do it from a distance. Other times you simply need to close the door and not look back. It may not happen overnight, but the more you work on dealing with the feelings that come up from the hurtful people in your life, the more empowered you can become to make the changes necessary to avoid harm in the future.

Do you have healthy boundaries in place with family and loved ones? I believe God wants us to put healthy boundaries and spiritual walls of protection around us so we can live out His will, free from the damage harmful people inflict upon us.

Boundaries can be hard to do. Especially if you never learned how to do it growing up. But boundaries give life to your soul and allow you to lean on Jesus in tough times. There is so much freedom when you release other people’s choices to the Lord and rest in God’s perfect will and grace. You slap down some good boundaries, adjust them if necessary, and then you focus on your issues. Let God work on the rest.

“Own your stuff. Don’t own other people’s stuff,” as my pastor friend would say. I know, it’s easier said than done sometimes.

Drawing closer to the Lord in your pain is a critical step in learning how to love people that hurt you.

I firmly believe that’s where the real, deep intimate relationship with Jesus occurs. When you can be raw and real with your Savior, it leads you down a road to healing and intimacy you will never experience with another human. (By the way, the other people in your life have a choice to make, they also can lean on Jesus and work through their stuff. But that’s not in your control. so you gotta let it go. Stop trying to “help” them figure it out. You just do you!)

Is there someone who has hurt you? Words that still cut deep? Take some time today and let those hurts go. Give them over to the Lord and let Him carry those burdens for you. It’s a load you were never meant to carry.

If you need help creating some healthy boundaries in your relationship or just releasing the hurt, check out “Boundaries: Where you end and I begin” by Anne Katherine.  It helps you learn how to set healthy boundaries. I read it as part of my healing journey. It was so good.

This post was originally published in December 2018 and updated in September 2024.