Moving Forward Without Giving My Power Away

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

A story about healing without focusing on the people who caused the harm.

Why I Don’t Spill the Beans

I don’t know about you, but I often feel uncomfortable reading posts where people share every detail of what they have been through, especially when the focus shifts to harsh or bitter words about the people who hurt them. Their feelings are valid, but when the spotlight moves to others, their own power quietly slips out of view. That distinction matters to me.

Some people feel empowered by naming names, exposing everything, putting it all out there. They have every right to do that. But in my experience, sharing every detail does not always land the way one hopes. As a trauma survivor, when I read something centered on the person who caused the harm, it feels less like empowerment and more like unprocessed pain. It makes me wonder if the writer deserves more healing, not more audience.

This piece is part of my journey of moving forward without giving my power away.

The Focus of a Story Matters

My story is intense. I can finally state that without shame. The few people who have heard the details reacted with gasps, tears, or stunned silence. For a long time, those reactions were hard for me to stomach. I felt judged. But I was so disconnected from my own pain that I could not understand why others reacted so strongly. I even found myself making excuses for the people who hurt me.

Everything shifted when I stopped focusing on them and started focusing on me. That’s when I finally began connecting with my own pain. In that same season, I also realized that the people who caused the harm have their own story. When their actions intersect with mine, it’s fair game to mention. But just because I can share something does not mean I should.

Pain Does Not Need Comparison

Life is hard enough without giving your power away to the people who intersect with your story. It’s easier to focus on someone else’s behavior than on your feelings and the decisions you need to make in response.

For many trauma survivors, stuffing feelings is a survival skill. But when you stuff your feelings, you also start looking through a lens that minimizes your experiences. Plus, healing is messy!

Trauma is not something to compare; it’s always relative to your life story, and pain does not need to compete to be real.

Why I Chose to Heal Privately First

Learning how to tell my story differently became a major part of my healing journey. In the beginning, when everything was unraveling, I shared far more than I normally would. I was in crisis, and it spilled into my daily life. I could not hide it anymore.

But what I once labeled as oversharing was actually the first step of healthy healing. I was bringing the hard things into the light.

This was the opposite of what I learned growing up. The rule back then was basically: what happens in fight club stays in fight club. Breaking that rule came with serious consequences. So when my adult life became too heavy to manage, the “oversharing” I felt was really me just letting people know I wasn’t okay.

Some people reacted in ways that made me feel like I was lying, which showed me they were not safe people to open up to. Others got a little too invested. I wasn’t used to someone caring like that, so it made me want to run the other way. Eventually, therapy helped me find balance and safe people. It also taught me that the people you assume will be supportive are not always the ones who actually are.

It took most of my adult life to learn that truth. But I am grateful to finally know I do not have to live scared and alone inside the hardness of my past.

I decided long ago that if I ever wrote about my trauma, I would heal privately first, process with safe people, and only then consider sharing some of the lessons I learned, without putting those who have caused me harm front and center in my story.

I believe survivors deserve the respect of others to listen to their story, as they see fit to share it.

Letting Go of the Need to Understand Others

I used to spend way too many therapy sessions trying to understand why some people did what they did, hoping that by understanding their motives, it would somehow help me move on. But the more I focused on their why, the more disconnected I became from my feelings. I was trying to make sense of their behavior instead of tending to the cost of it.

Every minute I spent analyzing someone’s motives was a minute I wasn’t tending to my own wounds.

Moving forward without giving my power away has become a slow, steady journey grounded in grace. I can’t undo some of the “oversharing” I did with people in my life. Instead, I’ve learned to be thankful for it and offer myself grace, as it helped me heal and release myself from shame that was not mine to carry.

Moving Forward One Day at a Time

I don’t have it all figured out. Not even close. But I am done staying stuck in the pain (and focusing on the people who hurt me). Sometimes I still find myself back there, mostly in my mind. But I have learned tools that help me return to center; gentle grounding reminders that tell my nervous system: I am safe. I am strong. I am going to be okay.

Healing is slow. Sometimes it’s a crawl. But I am moving forward, even on days it feels like I am sliding backward. Reclaiming my power is a daily practice. I get to choose where I place my focus, what I share, and who I allow close enough to support me.

And so do you.

Your Pain Matters. So Does Your Story.

If you are dealing with grief, betrayal, heartbreak, trauma, or the exhaustion of trying to make sense of your story, your pain matters. You may never understand why someone caused you harm, but your experience is real.

Your story belongs to you, and you get to decide how it’s told and who hears it. And as you move forward, I hope you choose to keep your power. You deserve to be at the center of your story, not all the ones who have caused you harm.

Take gentle care of yourself today. ツ